Divorce and Blended Families

In the 1970's, the court rules and reasons for getting a divorce changed. There used to be only three reasons someone could get divorced. (The three A's)

Adultery
Alcohol
Abuse

Today, people can get divorced for any reason at all. And with this reasoning I think that making divorce easier has made marriage into a more temporary game. That marriage is just a silly game, a legal formality that has nothing to do with love your love and commitment to each other. People don't choose a spouse carefully anymore because they can always back out later when it doesn't work out. And that's their attitude. WHEN the marriage fails.

But truth is, divorce is very difficult and has negative effects on everyone involved, especially if there are children involved. Because for a long time, children will harbor a secret hope that their parents will get back together so they can be a family again.

You can take this from me personally, I came from a family with divorced parents. My Mom left when I was seven almost eight.
When my Dad was six years old, his Dad left his family.

Divorce creates fear and insecurities in all parties involved. I've never admitted this to anyone before but I'm afraid of getting a divorce because that would make that a third generation thing. I don't want that for myself or anyone else. And I can only imagine how that made my Dad feel.

Divorced couples are worried that if they get remarried that the situation will happen again, resulting in another divorce. So it's wise that if you are thinking of dating again to not date after the finalized divorce for about six months. Dating inside that time can cause comparisons to the other spouse and other insecurities. You may not realize it but that pain still needs time to heal, you're coping with a very real type of pain that can be worse than dealing with a deceased loved one in a way because of that kind of abandonment. It hurts. A lot.

My Dad got full custody of my two brothers and I with occasional (albeit inconsistent) visits from our Mom.
But there are some things you can do to move on, as my Dad was able to do, and with him moving on he was able to help the rest of the family.

He married my wonderful loving "Step-Mom" when I was nine. She told me that she was nervous about getting married and just automatically being a Mother but she told me that through prayer and faith in God, that's what helped her the most.

Being apart of a blended family I can honestly say that my parents did all of these things that we learned in class. And I commend them for that. Here are some things that blended families should remember.

1. It takes about two years to reach a point of normalcy in the family.
Which means it takes about two years for the kids and the new couple to establish a sort of regular routine for the family to get comfortable with each other. A couple being married for the first time have that time to get to know the personal side of each other when they get married before they have children, even if they have a honeymoon baby there is still about nine months to prepare for parenthood. And both parents have their own styles and habits which will take time to blend together to make the family stronger. It's perfectly okay that it doesn't happen automatically.

2. The birth parent should to the heavy discipline. 
Children aren't familiar with the new parent in any way good or bad. So if the child gets used to the unfamiliar person always getting them into trouble then they will associate that with them and they won't give the relationship a chance to build. Especially for those first few years it's best to have the parent they know best cover it. It will make more sense to the child because they understand better from that parent that they only want the best for them. The new parent should work more on getting to know them, building family warmth and love.

3. The Step-Parent should be Equivalent to that favorite Aunt or Uncle.
Everyone has that favorite relative. But what does that have to do with the Step-Parent? As a kid,when you went to visit that favorite relative, what did they always do? They were fun and loving but they also had clear, reasonable expectations of what was allowed at their house. They were also accepting of you. They left the disciplining to the parents and were forgiving of mistakes. It may sound a little absurd but being that for the children will give them a positive image of you as they begin to see you as a parent. Build love and understanding first.

4. There should be a lot of closed door discussions between the couple.
This should only be between the new couple. Counseling  together bonds you as a couple and you can learn how best to teach the rest of the family together. Plan ahead so you know what to do in the future as well.

Mind over Mop?

I believe that being a homemaker isn’t a mindless job and isn’t for the faint of heart. A mother’s role is to be a little bit of everything and that’s why it tends to be so difficult.

However I do believe that education has it’s time and place. My when my Dad got married to my Step-Mom that made her an automatic parent of a 9, 7, and 4 year old. Since she never received her degree she decided to enroll in the Pathway program majoring in Family studies. Since then she has come down and apologized to me in tears for being a horrible mother. I’m not criticizing how she has done anything, I love her and I think she’s done a marvelous job jumping into a family already in progress, that must have been even slightly terrifying.

But if she had completed her degree earlier, she wouldn’t have had to worry about the study of proper parenting or any of this guilt that she feels. She’s encouraged me to finish my degree now and not to follow that example.

That’s not to say that once you get your degree that you don’t have to learn anything and everything that you’ve learned is null and void. That’s why the church encourages us to get an education because knowledge is invaluable. When we die, what we’ve learned and our memories are what stay with us. And on earth if a circumstance arises and the father is no longer able to provide for whatever reason, the mother will have an education to fall back on to support the family.

Not only that but in my opinion, no other job or role requires so much knowledge as a mother. They teach the child to speak, to have manners, to do the normal everyday things we have been doing for years, to speak and ask questions, reading, eating maybe cooking, to clean up after themselves, love and respect for others, honesty, etc. Everything that a child is very foundational that what they do means the world to everyone.

Mothers are underappreciated. It’s a very tough job. I respect anyone willing to take it on, especially in this work dedicated society that seeks immediate results while a mother won’t really see the results of her labors for years.

Parenting Teens (and All Ages!)

Toddlers and teens can be much the same in the way that sometimes they just won't do what their told. So how do you make them?
Any guesses?
                         Duck tape and Velcro.
I'm being serious! If you want to use that kind of force, that's the direction to go.

But the goal of parenting is to "protect your child, to help them not only survive and to thrive in the world they are going to live in." (Micheal Popkins.)

There are three main types of parenting.
Here is a quiz that can help you find out your current parenting style.

Authoritative Parenting is when the parenting is focused mostly on the child. Parents interact with                                              them having high expectations with reasonable demands, giving their child                                            the resources that they need to succeed.

Permissive Parenting has low demands of the child, basically the child is the boss of the parents and                                          the child gets to decide what goes so the parents can avoid conflict. The                                                parents teach the child and they view each other as friends. The parent also                                            tried to remove any consequence for the child's actions.

Authoritarian Parenting is the relationship that had a very deep line drawn in the sand. "I am the                                               parent, you are the child. My word is law." These parents expect a lot of                                                 their children but don't offer them choices. Their rules are strict and there is                                           little to no warmth in the family.

Allow me to define a couple more things.

A consequence isn't always bad. It's merely the end result of a choice or action.

What's family warmth? Family warmth is the love given between members, encouragement and love.
But sometimes kids can be so frustrating, how can you still parent but be kind?

Encourage them!
Encourage them by recognizing things that they do well already.
Show confidence, when the child is struggling, expressing your confidence in them will build theirs.
Value them as they are, they aren't perfect but neither are you. Show them that they matter.
Stimulate independence, offer them choices and appropriate consequences.

Now this is all find and good for everyday problems but when there is a problem? For example, they have a messy room and you want it clean. Here are some teaching tools.

1. Polite request. Ask them nicely if they would please clean their room, that would sure help a lot!
(Say you come back later and see they still haven't cleaned it up or aren't in the process. You can use...)
2. Send an "I" message. By expressing how the problem makes you as a parent feel, by doing this, it helps the child see how their actions can affect others. "Son/Daughter, when your room is left a mess, I feel taken advantage of. Because either I have to live with it or clean it up. Would you please clean it up?
(And if they still don't?)
3. Use a quick firm reminder. "Son/Daughter, please get busy and clean up." They've already heard you, just keep it short. They'll understand that you mean it.
4. Have logical consequences. When this is necessary, make sure that when you have to employ a punishment have it relate directly to the problem or they will feel that is unfair. For example you can explain that you'll clean after them like a maid if they pay you. Hired help gets paid, so they can either pick up after themselves or you can do it for a fee.

But in all of this remember to still love them! Don't make problems personal, after all everyone is still learning.

Family and Finances

Why is money such a big deal? So much so that it has the power to completely rip apart a marriage or make siblings an life long friends hate each other.
In fact, most American's who got a divorce said blamed financial reasons.
But it is true, we do need money for necessary resources or rather a bridge to those resources such as shelter, food, a car, education, etc.
Perhaps that why that's part of the problem is how much importance we place on coins and slips of paper, that we forget things that can't be bought.

Debt is often spawned from poor financial decisions, sudden events (medical, etc.), or school.

The first thing to learn is how to budget. Don't go spending money you don't have expecting to pay it off the next month, that creates a habit and it will likely happen again. Try with all your might not to spend recklessly. I'm not saying it's bad to have a little fun and splurge every once in a while. Just plan for it in your budget. Pay yourself in advance instead of using what's left. Use any left over finances and put those into savings for your unforeseen expenses.

As we all know, life happens, and it kicks you back hard from your high points. Things happen and sometimes it costs to fix them.
And it's not always with in your budget to fix putting you further into debt.

To begin repairing the damages, work together. Both of you as a couple should be working with your money so you're both on the same page. Talk and compromise until you both recognize and are okay with where and how you money is being spent. It sounds like a small thing, and a big undertaking but it will put both your minds at ease. You'll come to understand each other more. Don't just assume you know or that the other will take care of it. Assumption isn't a safe bet.

Listening and Problem Solving

What do you do when someone you love or care about does something that bothers you? Maybe there was a fight or the other person just has a habit that you don't like but you don't know how to talk to them about it? It doesn't have to be big, it can be a normal everyday occurrence. But how do you go about telling them about this without offending them?

In my family, we don't use sarcasm or joke around in that manner because my parents never liked the teasing. Now that we're older it can be difficult to joke with each other because we were never really allowed to in the past. (The ways we joke would probably make good content for a reality tv show, it can be that ridiculous. Namely movie references and jumping out from behind walls but that is a different story.)

The reason my parents dislike sarcasm is because of what it means and how it makes them feel:

Sarcasm: To mock or convey contempt.

Sarcasm gets rid of the warm spirit we feel in our home very quickly. I do believe there is a way to use sarcasm without being hateful or rude but joking with sarcasm can turn from joking with someone to jeering at them. And that can build some insecurities in the family.
In fact, being sincere is becoming rare. Everyone wants to find a genuine person to love but it makes us feel vulnerable to be sincere and genuine ourselves.

The best way I've found to overcome these insecurities is to confront the person that you have conflict with. Just get it over with, be brave. It is difficult and exposing but just be calm. Be curious, not furious. Go talk to them before the feelings become insurmountable and it becomes a bigger problem.
The next part is to express you pain, but try not to place blame. Turn it into an "I" statement, so the person won't feel so much like they're being attacked but like a real conversation.
Lastly, be honest about your feelings. Be willing to work with the other person. If someone comes to you with similar complaints don't get defensive. Work together, listen to each other. Listing is a major part of communication, not just talking. Sometimes it's necessary to keep talking and repeating what was said until you understand each other correctly.
Speak calmly, listen, understand.

Stress and Family Crisis

Every family has problems, everyone knows that right? But what about when the problems are not so little anymore and it becomes a test of your very relationships with your family instead of what you're all worrying about?
When problems arise it doesn't just affect those involved, it can put stress on the family as a whole.

So what's the difference between everyday stress and a crisis?

Stress alone has lots of different definitions that are all related in some way or another. But the definition we're talking about is defined as "importance attached to a thing" or fear or pain that interferes with everyday life.
So when we worry about something, that is stress. The stressor is what caused everyone to feel that way.
(I got my definition here.)

A Crisis is defined as "a stage in a sequence of events at which the trend of all future events,especially for better or for worse, is determined; turning point."

(Again, the source is here.)

Stress seems to be more temporary but a crisis can be one thing after another like dominoes falling on top of each other.
When there is family crisis, regardless of what it is, we have the opportunity to grow closer together as a family or to shove each other away, leading to more heart ache. And even though it's difficult, it's important to gather the family and discuss what's happening and how you feel about it.

A crisis is a trial sent from God that can either build the family tighter together or break it, but it's how we react as a family that decides which one it is. Through the power of Christ's Atonement, we can access the power that will heal us of any wrong that we've ever felt and to find peace for it.

The trials we receive are to polish us and make us brighter and more fit for heaven.

After Marriage

This week we discussed what it's like the first month to the first year of marriage. We made a list of some things that change when you first get married. They were things like: Budgeting, house work, sharing a bed, when to have kids, etc.
You come to find out that once you're married your life isn't completely your own anymore. And it's always hard once you get past the "Honeymoon phase" and you really start to see each other. That a relationship goes beyond just physical attraction. A truly healthy marriage will learn how to give and take and not just when or how to compromise because compromising isn't always a good thing. Sometimes you have to find another option that both can agree on.
What happens is the wife wants to live in LA but the husband wants to live in New York City? Well half way to both is somewhere in Nebraska so that should be fair right? No. That's when communication is key, you learn to talk about your different options. Maybe decide to live in one city for a few years and then move to the other. Or you talk about a similar city in another place, Miami or Boston.
But with time, maybe the spouse may get used to the parts of the marriage that used to bother them before. Granted, you cannot marry a person and expect them to change, but I have seen a few couples that have a change of heart in that manner. The truest form of love is putting someone else's needs or wants before your own.

The Importance of Courtship

Now I realize that "courtship" is a very formal term for dating but I wish people would treat it that seriously again. So often nowadays, a couple will officially begin "dating" and date exclusively that  person. But as soon as it's official it somehow loses that charm and the couple will never go on another date. They revert back to "hanging out." I couldn't even find a proper definition for in the dictionary!

The purpose of a date is to get to know the other person for who they truly are. It's an intimate process for choosing who you want to spend your life with in marriage. Yet so many rocket through the experience. They skip over so many important things, expecting that they know everything. My parents have told me that they are still learning new things after just over ten years of marriage. (My parents divorced then my Dad married my Stepmom, to explain the number.)

 And it's becoming more common that a couple will just decide to be married and there will be no proposal. The boyfriend will never ask for permission, they just go through the motions. They become engaged after a fairly short dating period and stay engaged as a sort of "trap" for years to come. They never seem to overcome that invisible barrier of being engaged. But how do they know they're in love? I've learned this week that there are different types of love described in Latin: Agape, Eros, Philia, and Storge.

Agape is a love of your fellow man, it's more charitable. It's the sort of love you feel for strangers. A level of respect you feel for the people you've just met.

Eros is a romantic love. It's often categorized as sexual. It's that passionate love and longing for the a significant other.

Storge is a family love, mainly between parent to child relations.


I believe all these kinds of love are very different. And how does this apply to dating? Isn't hanging out the same thing?

Actually no. For something to qualify as a date, it has to have these characteristics.
It has to be paid for, has to be planned, and it has to be paired off. Hanging out doesn't serve a purpose, just spending time isn't as effective as doing something that will lead you to learn more about the other person. How you date will normally reflect on how your married life will turn out.

My last point is something intriguing that my professor said to the class. He asked us if there was anyone who doesn't have any needs. When we remained silent he exclaimed, "Then you're all needy!" Too often a couple will not talk to each other because they are afraid to sound needy, but that's just it! We all have needs and wants, hopes and dreams. If we can't or refuse to talk about our problems then we cannot expect to advance the relationship. Guess work and individual struggle wont build a strong relationship.

Family Diversity

This week in class we talked about families different backgrounds and situations effect their home life. There are literally millions of things that make every family different. Most are different simply because no two people are exactly the same. Everyone is affected by their culture, financial situation, the neighborhood that they live in. But ultimately the deciding factor for a family's happiness is up to them and how they choose to react to a situation.
Unfortunately for us, those life situations are not always happy. And at times it seems rare when they are. My Professor asked us to watch a video about a woman named Tammy.

I enjoyed hearing her story a little because it actually taught me that as bleak as the situation may seem in the present that you can still be happy.
It pictures the life of a woman raising children as a single mom. She can't afford very much because of her job. And she can't be there for her kids very much because she has to work so much. But Tammy still chose to see the bight side of her life.
Finding joy in your life also has to do with accepting its diversity. I live in a family with my Step-Mom and my Dad. My two mildly autistic brothers, and my two much younger silly sisters. We've learned to work around those trials and challenges through lots of prayer and love. As many pieces as it was cut into, I think we've reached a comfortable place were we can accept each other's differences. While it's still not perfect, (and no family ever is) we make the most of what we do have.

A Little About Me

Hello, I've created this Blog on account that I'll be taking Family Relations 160. I'll be learning and researching about families and marriage.

I love to read and write. I pretend I know how to sing. And I love trying new things. So this class should be an adventure of all those things!