Divorce and Blended Families

In the 1970's, the court rules and reasons for getting a divorce changed. There used to be only three reasons someone could get divorced. (The three A's)

Adultery
Alcohol
Abuse

Today, people can get divorced for any reason at all. And with this reasoning I think that making divorce easier has made marriage into a more temporary game. That marriage is just a silly game, a legal formality that has nothing to do with love your love and commitment to each other. People don't choose a spouse carefully anymore because they can always back out later when it doesn't work out. And that's their attitude. WHEN the marriage fails.

But truth is, divorce is very difficult and has negative effects on everyone involved, especially if there are children involved. Because for a long time, children will harbor a secret hope that their parents will get back together so they can be a family again.

You can take this from me personally, I came from a family with divorced parents. My Mom left when I was seven almost eight.
When my Dad was six years old, his Dad left his family.

Divorce creates fear and insecurities in all parties involved. I've never admitted this to anyone before but I'm afraid of getting a divorce because that would make that a third generation thing. I don't want that for myself or anyone else. And I can only imagine how that made my Dad feel.

Divorced couples are worried that if they get remarried that the situation will happen again, resulting in another divorce. So it's wise that if you are thinking of dating again to not date after the finalized divorce for about six months. Dating inside that time can cause comparisons to the other spouse and other insecurities. You may not realize it but that pain still needs time to heal, you're coping with a very real type of pain that can be worse than dealing with a deceased loved one in a way because of that kind of abandonment. It hurts. A lot.

My Dad got full custody of my two brothers and I with occasional (albeit inconsistent) visits from our Mom.
But there are some things you can do to move on, as my Dad was able to do, and with him moving on he was able to help the rest of the family.

He married my wonderful loving "Step-Mom" when I was nine. She told me that she was nervous about getting married and just automatically being a Mother but she told me that through prayer and faith in God, that's what helped her the most.

Being apart of a blended family I can honestly say that my parents did all of these things that we learned in class. And I commend them for that. Here are some things that blended families should remember.

1. It takes about two years to reach a point of normalcy in the family.
Which means it takes about two years for the kids and the new couple to establish a sort of regular routine for the family to get comfortable with each other. A couple being married for the first time have that time to get to know the personal side of each other when they get married before they have children, even if they have a honeymoon baby there is still about nine months to prepare for parenthood. And both parents have their own styles and habits which will take time to blend together to make the family stronger. It's perfectly okay that it doesn't happen automatically.

2. The birth parent should to the heavy discipline. 
Children aren't familiar with the new parent in any way good or bad. So if the child gets used to the unfamiliar person always getting them into trouble then they will associate that with them and they won't give the relationship a chance to build. Especially for those first few years it's best to have the parent they know best cover it. It will make more sense to the child because they understand better from that parent that they only want the best for them. The new parent should work more on getting to know them, building family warmth and love.

3. The Step-Parent should be Equivalent to that favorite Aunt or Uncle.
Everyone has that favorite relative. But what does that have to do with the Step-Parent? As a kid,when you went to visit that favorite relative, what did they always do? They were fun and loving but they also had clear, reasonable expectations of what was allowed at their house. They were also accepting of you. They left the disciplining to the parents and were forgiving of mistakes. It may sound a little absurd but being that for the children will give them a positive image of you as they begin to see you as a parent. Build love and understanding first.

4. There should be a lot of closed door discussions between the couple.
This should only be between the new couple. Counseling  together bonds you as a couple and you can learn how best to teach the rest of the family together. Plan ahead so you know what to do in the future as well.